Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig announced today his intention to retire at the end of next season. Which means, that there's going to be a job opening, and I'm thinking of applying. I mean, can you think of anyone else more qualified? Of all the people you know, is there a more die-hard baseball fan? So I thought I'd submit an open letter to MLB, listing my qualifications, and my platform:
To Whom It May Concern:
I am a lifelong baseball fan and former player. I know my balls from my strikes, and I can argue a close call with the best of them - respectfully of course. I've attended a couple of major league baseball games in my time, I think Dodger Stadium is the only real place to have a hot dog, and I can get down with a bag of peanuts.
As my first act as Commissioner, I intend to ban Darth A-Rod for life. Any player found to be taking PED's will receive a half-year suspension for a first offense, a full-year suspension for a second offense, and for a third offense would be banned for life, or least be forced to live and play winter ball in The Dominican Republic for the rest of his life.
(Speaking of The Dominican Republic, I will make it so that all International players must use their real name and age.)
I will re-implement the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, and this time they get to wear pants.
I will make all teams pay for their own new stadiums, with no support from taxpayer dollars.
I will ban any contract over 5 years if the player is over age 30 (no more $200 million contracts for Albert Pujols).
I would implement replay challenge on all close calls at the plate, and in the case of home runs. I would invite Sweet Lou to argue all close calls on behalf of the fans, as long as he promises to throw down his hat, or kick dirt in the umpire's face.
I will allow Shoeless Joe Jackson in the Hall of Fame. And I will have the final vote on all Hall of Fame ballots (Gil Hodges and Dale Murphy both make it in, The Rocket does not).
I will ban all chewing tobacco. Any player found to be chewing will be forced to clean up his own spit.
I will insist on financial parity - large market teams will have to go sharesies on revenue with small market teams, and I will not allow the Yankees to drive up the value of over-the-hill players.
I will shorten the schedule back to 154 games so that people don't have to decide between watching the World Series, or taking their kid trick-or-treating.
I will implement "$5 Fridays" for box seats at all games - so that the average fan could afford to attend a game at least once in their lifetime - and drive up the cost of nosebleed seats so that only the extremely wealthy can afford to sit in them.
I will proudly partner with Pepsico for all of our soft drinks, and charge only $1 for Diet Pepsi.
I will insist that everyone take off their hat when the national anthem is sung.
I will lead a chorus of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" at least once at every stadium every year.
Finally, the Dodgers will have an automatic qualifying spot in the National League Playoffs every year.
As you can see, I have quite an agenda, and I hope you will consider me for the position.
Respectfully,
Tracie
To Whom It May Concern:
I am a lifelong baseball fan and former player. I know my balls from my strikes, and I can argue a close call with the best of them - respectfully of course. I've attended a couple of major league baseball games in my time, I think Dodger Stadium is the only real place to have a hot dog, and I can get down with a bag of peanuts.
As my first act as Commissioner, I intend to ban Darth A-Rod for life. Any player found to be taking PED's will receive a half-year suspension for a first offense, a full-year suspension for a second offense, and for a third offense would be banned for life, or least be forced to live and play winter ball in The Dominican Republic for the rest of his life.
(Speaking of The Dominican Republic, I will make it so that all International players must use their real name and age.)
I will re-implement the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League, and this time they get to wear pants.
I will make all teams pay for their own new stadiums, with no support from taxpayer dollars.
I will ban any contract over 5 years if the player is over age 30 (no more $200 million contracts for Albert Pujols).
I would implement replay challenge on all close calls at the plate, and in the case of home runs. I would invite Sweet Lou to argue all close calls on behalf of the fans, as long as he promises to throw down his hat, or kick dirt in the umpire's face.
I will allow Shoeless Joe Jackson in the Hall of Fame. And I will have the final vote on all Hall of Fame ballots (Gil Hodges and Dale Murphy both make it in, The Rocket does not).
I will ban all chewing tobacco. Any player found to be chewing will be forced to clean up his own spit.
I will insist on financial parity - large market teams will have to go sharesies on revenue with small market teams, and I will not allow the Yankees to drive up the value of over-the-hill players.
I will shorten the schedule back to 154 games so that people don't have to decide between watching the World Series, or taking their kid trick-or-treating.
I will implement "$5 Fridays" for box seats at all games - so that the average fan could afford to attend a game at least once in their lifetime - and drive up the cost of nosebleed seats so that only the extremely wealthy can afford to sit in them.
I will proudly partner with Pepsico for all of our soft drinks, and charge only $1 for Diet Pepsi.
I will insist that everyone take off their hat when the national anthem is sung.
I will lead a chorus of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game" at least once at every stadium every year.
Finally, the Dodgers will have an automatic qualifying spot in the National League Playoffs every year.
As you can see, I have quite an agenda, and I hope you will consider me for the position.
Respectfully,
Tracie
Comments