One of the requirements of the new job was that I needed to go in for a Drug screening. And not just that, but all potential employees need to verify that they're up-to-date on their immunizations and don't have any infectious diseases. The recruiter scheduled me for a time, and gave me very specific instructions for what information I needed to bring with me. Faithfully, I wrote it all down so that I'd remember. And let's just say, a lot of good that did.
So this morning, I went down to the Employee Services Center to pee in the cup. Now, you should know that I have a bit of a history with this medical procedure. In fact, when it comes to medical procedures, there are two that I am absolutely horrible at: the popsicle stick on the tongue, and peeing in a cup. I have never been able to do either one. I can never get the cup in the right spot, and I always end up splattered in urine. And with this history, my nerves were definitely on edge.
A couple of other I had concerns had me doubly on edge. One was that I take sudafed, and the other was that I take benadryl. One is to let me breathe during the day, and other is to help me sleep at night. Which is not to say that either of them are good or me. But that's for another post. The thing with sudafed is that it is used in making homemade meth. And the thing with benadryl is that it's sometimes used for people who can't come down from a drug high. However, neither of them are illegal. But here I am getting drug-tested at the new job, and I just know, they're going to take one look at the results and think I'm a meth-head. That's it, no more job offer, and I'm hauled off in handcuffs. Now logically, I know this won't happen. But logic usually fails me in these situations. So to say that I was nervous as heck was an understatement.
But I get myself ready and dutifully go down to pee in the cup. Mistake number one was that I went to the bathroom before I left. And I decided beforehand that I wouldn't take my morning pills until after I was finished with the screening. Which meant that I didn't drink a lot of water this morning - mistake number two.
I arrive at the screening room, and they ask for my immunization record. Seriously? Most of my immunizations were 40-some-odd years ago. Do any of you keep 40-year-old immunization paperwork lying around? I didn't think so. But this only serves to ratchet up the nervousness. After checking in, I follow the screener lady into the bathroom. I'm instructed to wash my hands and go in and to get several ounces in the cup. I'm not allowed to flush the toilet. And screener lady is outside the door the entire time.
Now, something else I have difficulty with is going to the bathroom when I know other people are listening. It's like I get stage fright and totally freeze up. And this was most definitely the case this time. I must have been in there for 10 or 15 minutes before I sheepishly came out unable to accomplish my task.
Screener lady throws out the few drops I collected, and takes me out to the lobby, where I'm instructed to drink a couple of cups of water. I obediently drink the water. Then she takes me over to Human Resources so I can submit my I-9 and W-4 and sign my life away to SelectHealth. Except guess who didn't bring her Social Security Card, or Passport, or Birth Certificate? Exactly. Let's just say that HR Lady was none too thrilled with me. And when the recruiter came in to say hi and see how I was doing, I had to confess that I'd forgotten to bring everything she told me to. Now my nerves are to the nth degree. Not only can't I pee in a cup, but I can't even follow simple instructions, and they're going to regret hiring me any second.
Unable to complete my HR paperwork, back to the Screener room I go. Screener lady again follows me into the bathroom, where we go through the same drill as before, and where I again come out sheepishly, unable to accomplish my task.
Screener lady is exasperated. We walk back in to the lobby, where I drink 3 more cups of water, and sit for half an hour. She and the other screener lady decide that she should take me down to the soda machine to get some diet pepsi, because the caffeine will help me to get the urine flowing. Who knew that was even a possibility? Seriously, I'm a diet pepsi fiend, so if I'd known that was an option, don't you think I'd have been all over that in a heartbeat?
I get the diet pepsi, drink it all down, and hang out in the lobby until I'm about to burst. Thankfully, my beloved favorite beverage didn't let me down. We went back into the bathroom, the nerves relaxed, the diet pepsi ran right through me, and I was able to pee in the cup and then some. Say hallelujah! Of course, hide and watch, the sudafed will clear the screen, but I'll be locked up for being a diet pepsi fiend.
What should have been a quick half hour in and out ended up taking me two and a half hours. I still needed to run home and get the umpteen forms of identification and bring them back to HR (the HR lady was much nicer this time around), and I now need to go in to get blood drawn to prove I'm not going to start an infectious disease epidemic. But that's all for another day. For now, we wait to make sure I'm not a meth-head. That drug screen had dang well better be clear!
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